Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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