u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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