my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
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What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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