I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
