Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
