drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
