4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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