I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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