i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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