Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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