my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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