is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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