John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
