First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
