Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
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Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
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I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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