my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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