ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
