When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
