I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
