I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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