sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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