Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
even my farts smell like vagina
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She even gives head with a lisp.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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