Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
