I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
