K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
