if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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