why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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