I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that