if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
