A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
