I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
