where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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