I just threw up on my dentist
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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