Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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