and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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