Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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