Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I looked at my own cervix.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
