dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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