i permit you to call me
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
