I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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