you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
