I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
