Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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