I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
