dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
