You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
