Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
