she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
