Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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