I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
