Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
