It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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