My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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