So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
