dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
