I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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