there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i drank out of a bidet.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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