let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Randomize
