you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
