i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
