Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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