We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
