ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
